Ajoy Bhan

Hum Aaff Ke Hain Kaun?

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(Or the masla of the return of the  Hangul colla-batte-rators.)

Now that Burhan Wani has officially declared that he and his hemorrhaging bunch of long beards and short pants will attack any colony that the Government builds, to bring the Hanguls back to Kashmir, I must make my own declaration of war, my Ailan-e-jung!

I will fight his gleaming black automatic assault-gun with the burnished nib of my fountain pen.

Unfair fight. He will lose.

2016 is not 1990.

Frankly, I sort of like Burhan. He’s a cute-mute, koker-poot (baby “hen-i-bal”), a baby-faced YouTube warrior.

But of course, the only people he and his ilk can kill are un-armed, un-trained traffic policemen, who might have been on their way to buy Chuchworus (The mystical Kashmiri bagel) for evening chai with their children, or “kerosene” (Crocin) for a mother with reoccurring head-aches and nightmares that are about to come true.

If Ghazi Burhan is really serious about  “defeating” India, he should come out and fight and be ready to kill or die, instead of playing video games on You Tube.

Apologies to his fans, but our up-start fatawangun, our little bursting-out-of-his-baby-brinjal-skin,Burhan, shows no inclination to take the risk of ending up as Baigan ka Bharta in a real gunfight with the Kaffir Fauj of the Mulk-e-Kufr.

Instead of killing un-armed traffic cops and threatening to attack the yet to be founded Dachi-Shehar of the Hanguls, why doesn’t he do something more daring, for example actually attack an Army Camp or the Head Quarters of the SOG?

To let you on to a state secret, the Police would have got him by now, but as the Mukhbir-e-Chief  of Kashmir, in the last meeting of the Unified Command, I came up with a super-duper plan to shut up the video-game Jehadi.

I have directed the security apparatus to leave him alone, and get Rashe Tauntlet , the noted Hangul TV-warrior to neutralize him by challenging Burhan for “Come-two-two-hands-we do,” (native-speak for duel) on “national television.”

Rashe Tauntlet might injure Burhan mortally with a couple of quick-bursts  of his taunt-gun.

“Oh go, go everything I know! “ (Mye Che Sorey Pyey) followed by “Go, go, drink some tobacco-vobacco” (Gassu Gassu cho Tamoka-Vamoca) and if nothing works,” Leave now (Thowo vyene), this is not dawne-tawne.”

It was so Kashmiri, the way Rashe Tauntlet ragged our Preachy-Rich hero, I’seen Money Lick, taunting him repeatedly, “Tell me now, (Vanu vyene?) how many people have you “killade?”

Poor (I mean rich!) Money-Lick could only mutter “you rat,” “you coward,” “take me to court.”

Money-Lick Jaan, don’t worry about courts, people are arrested for the crime of taking their sheep in to Dachigam, because it endangers the habitat of the Hangul.

But at last count, nobody has been prosecuted, convicted and hanged for the murder of the human Hanguls of Kashmir.

Not even that psychopath Hitta Fart’ade.

(Or you for that matter.)

Nobodyhas been hanged for the rape and murder of Hangul Bais, (female Hanguls) and the slicing in to 2 of the dead bodies ofsome of them, on electrical band-saws, in the Kashmiri Year of the Red Sky, not by an invading Army, but by those who they regarded their own.

(The band-saw trick was not a great way to convince Hangul women about “Aise Gasey Asun Pakistan Hangulov Rostey, Hangul-Baiav Saan,”

a slogan that made the Hanguls go nine-two-eleven, super-quick (Native speak for running away, quickly-quickly.) yet a slogan that most people in Kashmir claim not to have heard!)

No body has been prosecuted successfully for arson, setting on fire, or looting or occupying Hangul homes and Hangul shrines, and the bloody bull-dozing of their natural habitat, for fun or profit, or simply on the instructions of the malevolent Djinns of ISI who got badly entangled in the brain-washed heads of some of our own.

You might think you’ve have gotten away, Money Lick Jaan, but the Mukhbir-e-Chief of Kashmir knows that deep inside your heart, you don’t really know which side the “camel will finally sit,”on which 28-year old file, and when.

If this disconcerting thought keeps you up some nights, birather-in-arms, it should!

Money-Lick Jaan: I have been getting calls from friends in Srinagar.

Hysterically funny calls about how

BaaJi recently proved to all of us Khalaks that the Tiger of Tumhare Bina Mai Suna is just a papertiger, who can be picked up and made to do “tik-tiki,”(A highly effective laxative dispensed by J&K Police) when BaaJi puts on her dark glasses and decides it’s the right time.

(And no body voshed and sighed and said,that they skipped Chai and  bhujyeth kababs in Ahdoos that evening because they felt bad for I’Seen Money-Lick.)

Also Birather Money-Lick, stop free-lancing for the red flag that is trying to turn a little-mittle green these days.

(Is it true that you used to focus on arm-twisting people to boycott elections only in the assembly constituencies, where the Khalak wanted BaaJi to win?)

Stop playing silly games, Money-Lick.

It might make BaaJi angry; and in this cat and mouse game, finally, as you would have figured out by now, BaaJi is the cat, and you are the fake-Mujahid rat.

Of course, you are right, Rashe Tauntlet and other Hanguls are also “rats.” But, Money-Lick Jaan, they turned in to rats and went nine-two-eleven, quickly-quickly in 1990, because they were being mowed down by your gun-shun.

But you are a remarkable rat.

You gave up the istruggle in spite of having the gun-shun, and went nine-two-eleven in to comfortable safe-houses, and now, no matter how much you might talk about your “sacrifices,” let’s face it, after leading half of Kashmir up the garden path to “Apoor,” and to death and destruction: all you did was “cylinder” (surrender, that is) meekly-weakly.

(One very senior Mukhbir-type once told me that you were extremely receptive to “counseling.”)

I’m no fan of Aafaq Wajid Qurbani,

I really wish his poor father had taken him to a psychiatrist when he got to know that Aafaq used to twist the heads of spoons at Shakti Sweets, because it was a Kaffir establishment, and imagined that he was twisting the heads of Kaffirs.

But to give him his due, he did not “cylinder,” he died for what he believed in: he took chakkklate only from “Apoor” and only a bullet from “Yapoor.”

What about you?

The truth is people like you are completely exposed.

The only people who are still scared of you, the only people who don’t realize that you are a paper-Tiger; are some of the older paranoid Hanguls, because they have seen your Hangul-eating Avatar.

When it come to any mention of building a Dachi-Shehar, you promptly apply a truck-load of imported shampoo in your hair sent by our dear ParjaiJi: flick your hair (like a film-extra in a 1980s Bollwood flick ) in the lanes of Tere Bin Mai Suna, and threaten to spill “blood on the streets.”

Then you produce a couple of scared Hanguls who “oppose” the setting up of Dachi-Shehar. As Ajit would have said, “Ismart boy!”

No body is scared of you any longer, Money LickJaan.

Nobody is scared any longer even of the wet, slurpy,ominous obahs (spit-laden pecks) of Silly Prah Barfani.

Nobody can be scared of Moulvi Tee Tee (Thesis Thief, alias Thesis Tsoor) because he is scared of his own shadow.

But I love to see the 3 of you together. You all look so tense. I could burn a truck-load of isband (Wild Rue seeds that are burnt to ward of evil spirits) around your heads, but the bad vibes won’t go away.

The only person I’m really scared of is Overseer Yazeed of “Hanguls must apologize” and “I better run from Anantnag before I lose my deposit” fame.

He is so odious that the one and only time I tried to engage in a meaningful conversation (yes, oxy-moron!) with him, I thought I was going to faint.

There’s got to be more to it than his over-powering halitosis.

The good part is that Khalaks have slowly begun to realize that these guys may be a part of the problem, but they can’t be a part of any solution.

The day all of Kashmir realizes what a mess these jokers have landed us in, is the day the Hanguls will think of returning.

This brings me to what I had begun with.

“Hum Aafke Hain Kaun?”

The point is that if the Hanguls have to come back home, it has to go beyond the Government’s efforts.

It is forKashmiris to finally realize what the Hanguls mean to them. What the Hanguls meant to the idea of a plural, secular, liberal Kashmir? What the Hanguls mean to Kashmir. What the Hanguls contributed to Kashmir.

It is for the people of Kashmir to figure out the truth about what happened to the Hanguls, and to throw out the stupid “Ye korena Jagmohanan” (This happened because of Jagmohan) lie.

Coming to what BaaJi needs to do, this is the first thing: understand that no residential scheme can attract people whose killers and rapists are roaming free.

Forget roaming free, many of these killers are delusional about their political importance.

BaaJi opened up a 28-year old file recently.

She needs to open up all such old files. The FIRs are all there. There is no statue of limitations on murder and rape. She needs to ensure these cases are re-opened for investigation, and all the surviving (Hangul Killers) ring-leaders end up in jail, or with a hang-man’s noose around their necks.

The day the Government goes seriously

after the Hangul Killers, is the day, the Hanguls will think of packing their bags and going back, without the fear of a Hitta Fart’ade or I’seen Money-Lick landing up at Kheer Bhawaniand scaring an old lady into giving them a nalmot, (a hug) for the benefit of cameras.

Who knows that old bear-hugged (or bear-crushed) woman is the mother of Satish, who according to Hitta Fart’ade

(something we all have seen on television) was Hitta’s first Hangul-Shikar.

Think about it.

But don’t just keep thinking. Do some thing about it. Talk about it. Write about it. Open up. Don’t be afraid.

Don’t stay silent. Silence is complicity.

This piece is a figment of the writer’s imagination: any resemblance or allusion to any person; living or dead, dishonest or double-dealing, self-serving or opportunistic: is unintentional and unintended.

Ajoy Bhan is a communications consultant based in Delhi. He is a Kashmiri and insists that he is not a Kashmir expert. You can reach him at [email protected]

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