Social life is complex, and moments of exclusion are common. However, the question is: when we feel left out, is it because of our personality or because others engage in what psychologists call “othering”? The answer may not be definitive, but the dynamics can and should be understood.
Psychologists note that we not only interact with others daily but also think about them in their absence: judging, speculating, and forming impressions. Other people remain central to our happiness or sadness. Yet, misunderstandings often arise due to stereotyping, prejudice, misinformation, or flawed attributions.
“Othering” in the form of social exclusion is not merely about personal dislike. It is often a conscious or an unconscious assumption that the “out-group” is less valuable. In practice, it is reflected, when colleagues ignore your contributions or in social events, when you are consistently overlooked for key tasks despite capability. Such othering strikes at one’s sense of belonging, recognition, and self-worth.
Calling it out may even invite criticism, being labelled as asocial, uncooperative or difficult. On the other hand, those who “other” may look at you but fail to see you and your true value, boxing you into a role of lesser value, even justifying their attitudes and behaviour.
Yet, the boldest response is not silence but strength. Even though othering creates an uneven playing field, but those subjected to it must remember that they are not there simply to play the game, but to change the game. Victims need not to change themselves to fit in; instead, they should embrace the rough sea, cherish the exclusion and turn it into a moment of self-understanding, growth and strength. As they say, “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor”.
As children, we dream freely, untouched by others’ judgments. As adults, we often internalize negativity and sometimes accept marginal roles just to fit in. Yet, true resilience lies in not internalizing exclusion, but believing in “self” and accepting “self”. Inner peace must not be placed in the hands of others. Instead, we must keep showing up, seek support, embrace opportunities, and learn from each experience rather than withdrawing.
While exclusion is not always the individual’s fault, certain personality flaws like arrogance, poor communication, rigidity, or lack of empathy may unintentionally push others away and can make social interactions more difficult, creating distance and misunderstanding. This highlights the importance of self-awareness and the continuous effort to develop interpersonal skills that foster inclusion rather than isolation.
Further, the way we perceive situations often matters as much as what actually happens. Attribution errors play a role here: we tend to overemphasize personality when judging others, while excusing our own behaviour as situational. Confirmation bias further distorts these judgments.
Personality traits also shape how exclusion is experienced. A strong need for belonging, for example, makes rejection feel more painful. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs remind us that inclusion is a fundamental psychological need, and when denied, it feels like rejection. Jealousy, too, can fuel exclusion, when others attempt to diminish someone they perceive as a threat.
While intelligence, academics and technical expertise is important, personality traits such as empathy, teamwork, communication, tolerance, and adaptability are often decisive in social acceptance. Cultivating friendliness, sociability, finding meaning, developing genuine connections and displaying citizenship behaviour also go a long way in dealing with othering. These “soft skills” may appear low-profile but research shows they strengthen relationships and reduce exclusion. They must be actively cultivated, not just acknowledged.
One significant way of dealing with othering is through what has been called compassionate immunity by Carl Jung. That is, cultivating psychological strength to transform exclusion into growth. When faced with othering, one can deepen human connections rather than retreat, turn anger into solutions, sadness into compassion, and fear into wisdom. This is not detachment but strength: maintaining inner peace regardless of others’ behavior.
Life is ultimately about building the self and cultivating happiness. Social exclusion may hurt, but it need not define us. When we strengthen our personality, nurture compassion, face the rough weather and hold fast to our uniqueness, othering loses its power. Experiencing “othering” even though distasteful, is not something to fear, it can become a source of dignity, resilience, growth and pride. On the contrary, if nothing works, remember: do not cast pearls before swine. Preserve your dignity and simply pull back.
The writer is Ph.D. Psychology. immi85.khan@gmail.com
