By : Saima Jammal
Literally, separation is the loss of a very important thing/relationship that one is not able to give up. Shifting the perspective of separation to a broader one, it acts as a catharsis of negative emotions. A catharsis of internal squabbles, envy, abhorrence, disgust, loathing and such like negativities that defer a balanced persona. It acts as a perforation of the self-built flawless aura, where we regard our everything so prime to a certain creation. But, it’s this kind of perforation that lets the unseen light in.
Quoting Rumi, “The wound is the place where light enters you”. The wound may be a suffering, just to let our deepest selves reckon the flossy goodness. Separation in the long run acts as a healing balm. Once released, the negativities take the route of positivity in an automatic manner.
Getting out of separation has its own stages that are bound to be crossed and respected. At the introductory stage, even a tinge of separation sends a shiver down the spine, but perfection is the Creator who has put forth the cosmic cycle as a rejuvenating example for us where each dusk is followed by a dawn.
To me, separation has two stages:
- Primary separation: It refers to the separation of someone/something very important, accompanied by grief.
- Secondary separation: It refers to the separation of greenness in decision making.
Once one is capable of overcoming the crudeness in picking and decision making in the face of separation, he/she is no less than a conqueror who conquers the pain and turns immune to it, eventually.
Separation is grief and grief has it’s natural course of development, and nature never demands any human based alteration. By following the very natural path of grief, one rests in a healthier emotional state, later on. To follow the natural course of grief, let’s have a glance upon “Five stages of grief” by Elisabeth Kubler Ross, (Psychiatrist_Stages from her work with terminally ill patients).
- Denial: This is the very first stage of grief, where stability and security seems vanished. It becomes hard to agree that the other person/thing is lost. The self-constructed aura is bone-tired. On the other hand, denial becomes a route to the survival of loss.
- Anger: At this stage, one feels angry about the unusual happenings. One gets irrationally angry over himself/herself and others, too. Here, one has to feel and utilise anger in a rationally required manner. One has to keep with it, in order to heal. Anger helps in the recognition of deeper sensations and therefore, acts as a re-connection with life.
- Bargaining: This stage is of questioning one’s own self. Questions that involve “If only” and “What if”. Like, if only I was his/her best choice, he/she might have stayed. What if l looked much pretty, what would have he/she done? All such questions whirl the central nerves, but other facet of the coin of bargaining is one’s parleying with his own pain. Like, if l visit my friends, l may feel good. If l date a better person, l may get out of the grief. And amidst all such self-negotiations, there is a common motive running…”I will not suffer more”.
- Depression: This stage is not strictly the stage of clinical depression. It is the very natural trauma of the bulk of unintelligible events happening around. One starts to face reality, where one is lonely. But to proceed towards the emotional healing, depression is bound to be respected that of love. As a stage, it helps in an estimate of understandable events that cause eventual emotional healing. This stage seems everlasting amongst all the five, but it really is not.
- Acceptance: It is the final stage of one’s grief. It is not the readily accepting or forgetting. But a timeline of better understanding where one accepts the reality of being without the other person or thing. Here, one starts to pay attention to the upcoming substantial and sizeable issues and other important needs that bring much transparency to the mind. It is the acceptance…”If l can’t replace what l have lost, l can try something new”. At this stage, maturity makes respect the loss, too.
Undoubtedly, during separation nothing seems much good. If decision of separation is of the other person, it makes you rest in dilemma and low self-esteem. On the other hand, if decision is one’s own, then self-esteem will be a pancake without much effort.
I have witnessed many a cases where loss rests people in suicidal thoughts and attempts, too. Isn’t the Creator worthy enough to let Him end up His creations as per His dignitary scheme?
Being human, if you do not fear love, do not fear separation either. Because humans are subject to change and as per the nature of change: Pain, anxiety, grief and separation are as desirable as love in itself.
If you burn, you are ashen. But if you rise, you are Phoenix.
– The writer can be contacted at Saimajamaal90@gmail.com
